Godly Lament and the Pastor’s Wife

In their sorrows, church women often look to a pastor’s wife for comfort and biblical encouragement. But where does a grieving woman turn when she is a pastor’s wife? That’s the situation I found myself in a few years ago.

I was busy juggling a full church calendar along with raising five kids. Our family had endured significant health challenges, and I had tried to keep up with everything—until I couldn’t. When one of my children’s lab results were abnormal, the intensity of my emotional response caught me off guard. Even though my child’s blood cell counts normalized within a week or two, that situation revealed an inner turmoil I needed to address.

While our church family loves and cares for my husband Scott and me, and we’re so grateful for the many members who pray for and support us faithfully, I opted to talk to another pastor’s wife. (We happen to be part of a large church with a decent-sized pastoral team, so thankfully, it wasn’t hard to find someone.) After pouring out my heart to my friend, I heard these words: “Katie, I think you have more grieving to do.” She was right; it was time to learn more about godly lament.

With so many other needs presenting themselves as urgent, grief had taken a backseat over the years. Can you relate? Maybe you’ve experienced deep hurt in the past, or you’re walking through something hard right now. If so, I encourage you to consider the value, practice, and benefits of godly lament for the pastor’s wife.

The Value of Biblical Lament

Those wacky lab numbers represented something much bigger, something I couldn’t control. Given my recent miscarriage and the kids’ underlying medical conditions, those numbers pointed to a deeper heartache and brokenness, sickness and disease, an unknown future, and fear of more unexpected, premature losses. That night, the Lord used my friend to show me that even a pastor’s wife like me needs to take time to lament.

Instead of ignoring our grief or trying to speed our way through it (often because we want to serve somebody else), godly lament is a vehicle to bring our sadness to the Lord. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines lament as “a crying out in grief.”¹ When talking about godly lament, these passionate cries are directed toward the Lord in prayer. They include wailing and moaning, questions, and pleas (Psalm 142:1-2). This may seem too emotionally expressive if a pastor’s wife feels she needs to keep it all together, but it’s biblical.

This lament agrees with God, saying, “Yes, God, sin really messed everything up. Our world is so broken. We need you, Lord, and we need you to do what only you can do. Turn our ashes into beauty. Redeem our stories. You’re our only hope.” Godly lament invites hurting women—including those in ministry—to pour out our hearts with emotional freedom before our heavenly Father. As it says in Psalm 62:8, “Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge to us.” We can confess our struggles and doubts about God’s goodness and our faith that God is our only refuge.

Practicing Godly Lament

Scripture is full of examples of godly lament—including Jesus (John 11:35 and Luke 19:41)—but I particularly love the story of Hannah in the Old Testament, and she shows us what it looks like to practice it. First, Hannah went to the Lord with her sorrow, and so can we. When she reached her emotional breaking point, she “prayed to the LORD and wept bitterly” (1 Samuel 1:10). Before him, she poured out her heart in words that only he could hear: “O LORD of hosts, if you will indeed look on the affliction of your servant and remember me and not forget your servant, …” (verse 11).

Next, Hannah prayed fervently, casting off any fear of what others might have thought, and her example invites us to do the same. Her pathos was so intense that Eli, the priest, thought she was drunk (1 Samuel 1:14). Hannah explained that she wasn’t drunk but “troubled in spirit” (verse 15), and then the Lord used Eli to comfort her with these words: “Go in peace, and the God of Israel grant your petition that you have made to him” (verse 17). After her prayer to the Lord and this conversation with Eli, “[She] went her way and ate, and her face was no longer sad” (verse 18).

Godly lament produced its intended effect in Hannah. She rejoined her family and “worshiped before the LORD” before traveling home (1 Samuel 1:19). Hannah walked away comforted and ready to do the next thing, and godly lament can help us do the same.

Making time for lament can be difficult, especially when our care loads are great. If this is a challenge, ask God to show you how to carve out time for this important process. Perhaps your husband or a friend can help you look at your schedule and set aside a specific time to read God’s Word and pray about a current or past struggle in your church or family. Talking to a trusted friend like I did could be hugely helpful in processing your grief and thinking through what godly lament looks like for you in your particular situation.

The Benefits of Godly Lament

I’ve tasted the benefits of godly lament. After talking to my friend in that intense season, Scott helped me set aside a designated time to grieve my miscarriage and the medical challenges and future unknowns involving my children. We decided that I would join him in traveling to a pastors’ conference he needed to attend, and while he participated in meetings, I would use our hotel room for extended periods of solitude. This allowed me time to think, pray, read, journal, and cry—to practice godly lament.

That time was such a gift. While I can’t say it cured my grief, it provided much-needed space to reflect, ask questions, and address some of the enemy’s accusations with biblical truth. I wailed, wiped my eyes and nose, and then wailed some more. Between sobs, I told the Lord, “This hurts.” Then I invited the Spirit to intercede for me “with groanings too deep for words” (Romans 8:26). As I did, the Lord gave me words to process my experience, and he helped me better comprehend his deep love for his children—for my family in particular. And I learned this: when we run to God in our grief, we discover priceless treasures, getting to know him in ways we never knew him before (Isaiah 45:3).

*This article is adapted from “Grief-Worthy,” a chapter in Katie Faris’s book God Is Still Good: Gospel Hope & Comfort for the Unexpected Sorrows of Motherhood, available in our bookstore.

©2023 Katie Faris. Used with permission.

1. Merriam-Webster, s.v. “lament (n.),” https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/lament. ↩︎