Fighting for Community as a Pastor’s Wife

Although her voice was new to me, her story was not.  “I need to talk with someone who understands.” Her voice quivered as she caught her breath and continued. “I love my husband and my children, and I am totally committed to the Lord Jesus Christ and his Church. But I am so lonely in my role as the pastor’s wife. Most of the women in our church have known each other for years.  Their children have grown up together, their husbands have gone on fishing trips with each other, and the women have celebrated holidays and birthdays as friends throughout the years. How do I fight this sense of loneliness?”

If you are a pastor’s wife, you understand her question. Indeed, you most likely have struggled with it yourself, especially if you are part of a smaller congregation where there are no other pastors’ wives to befriend. You feel lonely because there is no one at church you can be totally open with, and you don’t want to burden your already-overwhelmed husband. Who really knows you? Who understands you at the heart level?  You long for authentic communication. You want to know other women and be known by them, sharing each other’s burdens and joys. But how?

1. Give your heartache to Christ

First of all, bring your loneliness to God and place it into his loving hands. There are no surprises with him.  He has a plan, and he’s working it, even in the area of friendships.  You are part of that plan. God is not surprised by what you are going through. Even that painful loneliness, when you look to Christ and trust Him, can be one of the good works that God prepared beforehand for you to walk in. “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them” (Ephesians 2:10).  It proves your faith is not mere words—it is a living reality being worked out through your heart and mind and mouth as you struggle through your loneliness.

Not only are there no surprises to our kind King, neither are there any shortages. “And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:19). Every need—physical, emotional, spiritual—will be supplied by our generous Father.  God doesn’t promise how or when he will do it, but the verb in this verse is “will,” not “can.” It is not only that God is able—he is willing, and he will! Don’t give up too soon. Wait on the Lord for his perfect timing. “O Lord, all my longing is before you: my sighing is not hidden from you” (Psalm 38:9). He sees, he knows, he cares. “Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7). Cast your longing for meaningful friendships on him because he cares for you. 

“…bring your loneliness to God and place it into his loving hands.”

2. Remember what your friendship is based on

Dietrich Bonhoeffer teaches us in Life Together that our relationships within the body of Christ are bound together by faith, not experience.¹ You will be spending eternity with every woman in your congregation who loves Jesus as her Lord and Savior. Any time you spend together now is just a precursor to your God-kissed eternal relationship. You are already united through Christ’s death on the cross.

Don’t concentrate on all the reasons that a woman would have for not being your friend, such as her schedule or age or bank account. Think about what you have in common. Children in school together, gardening tips, exchanging venison recipes (ask me how I know of that commonality!) can be non-stressful connectors. Your women’s ministry is a great place to make a friend or serving together somewhere in your church. Two of my best friends from this past decade have been women I’ve taught Sunday School with. But more than anything, remember that your prospective friend loves Jesus, and you do, too. What stronger connection could there be? Start there.

Is there a woman in your church you are drawn to? Please befriend her! Don’t be afraid to initiate. Ask her over for a cup of tea or invite her to meet you at a park with her children. Tell her you would like to get to know her. Then see if anything further develops.

Whatever you do, do not believe the dangerous expectation that you must be casual friends with everyone while being close friends with no one. Jesus wasn’t. He had friends whom he brought in very close. And your church will benefit from seeing you thrive in healthy relationships within your body. Lead by example (1 Corinthians 11:1).

“…our relationships within the body of Christ are bound together by faith, not experience…”

3. Painful subtractions

What if you plant a church, and you have deep friendships with the ones who planted with you? Then your husband makes a decision that your friends don’t agree with, and they’re gone without a word. How do you cope with the sadness? What about the friend whose husband joins with other lay leaders to form a movement to get your husband to resign? How do you deal with the shock and betrayal?

Let’s begin by taking God at his Word. He will keep you all the way to the end. 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24 says, “May your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.” Our loving Lord will provide all you need to follow his pathway for your life until you see him face to face. 

And remember, Jesus is worth it. All ministry, including every relationship, is an open-handed offering to him. “In the Lord your labor is not in vain” (1 Corinthians 15:58). What you are doing may not seem to be effective or fruitful in God’s grand scheme, but God is always at work. Do not let the loneliness take you out. Your labor is weighty. It is profitable in God’s economy. And you are never utterly alone. You serve the One who promises to be with you (Isaiah 43:5) and assures you that he will never leave you or forsake you (Deuteronomy 3:8). Jesus knows what he is doing. He is a good and kind and wise leader. Psalm 84:11 says, “For the Lord is a sun and a shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.” A sun—he lights our way, guiding us.  A shield—he is always protecting us. No good thing does he withhold—he is never stingy. Nothing that is good will ever be withheld from you. That might be hard for you to see right now, but trust Him. I can tell you that not one of His promises has ever failed down through the ages. Every word of His proves true, even when you’re going through this season of loneliness.

©2023 Jani Ortlund. Used with permission.

1. Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together (Harper & Row, 1954), 39. ↩︎