Four Lies Pastors Are Tempted to Believe About Fatherhood

It’s beautiful to watch a child’s face light up when Dad comes home. Proverbs 17:6 says, “the glory of children is their fathers,” and as a mom, I want to nurture my children’s love and respect for their father. It’s good to point out to them how hard he works and all the ways he serves his family and our church. There’s more, though.

For pastors’ wives who are also moms, even as our children’s hearts often incline to their fathers, we also want our husbands’ hearts to turn to their children (Malachi 4:6). God designed Eve to be “a helper fit for” Adam (Genesis 2:18), and we have the privilege of helping our men in many ways, including how they relate to their families. More than just giving a coffee mug that says “Best Dad Ever” on it (and those are great!), my husband wants biblical encouragement for Father’s Day. Maybe yours does, too.

You’ve probably noticed the word courage tucked inside of the word encouragement. We can play a strategic role in giving godly courage to our husbands in their role as fathers. By God’s grace, our counsel and prayers can actually strengthen them to follow the Lord and do what is right, even when doing so is counter-cultural. 

Our churches need men to “Be strong and courageous” to follow God (Joshua 1:9, emphasis added). We need pastors to lead as Joshua did, saying, “But as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD” (Joshua 24:15)—starting at home. So, let’s cheer them on to believe the truth instead of lies. To start, here are four lies that pastors can be tempted to believe about fatherhood, along with truths from God’s Word that they can take to heart.

Lie: Children interrupt real ministry. 

Truth: Children are a blessing to ministry life. 

A pastor’s to-do list is often long, and it would be easy for him to view people who want to talk and spend time with him as interruptions, including his children. However, as pastors’ wives, we can gently remind our husbands that “children are a heritage from the LORD” (Psalm 127:3). In the big picture of ministry life, instead of being an interruption, our children are a blessing. They often open doors to new relationships and provide opportunities to connect with other church families. What’s more, in a broken world full of absent fathers, a pastor who loves and is committed to his wife and children models Christ’s love and displays the gospel in a powerful way. How a pastor treats his family–as a blessing or a hindrance—may preach louder to some congregants than his Sunday sermon. 

Lie: If I sacrifice my family for ministry, they will be fine since I’m doing the Lord’s work.

Truth: Ministry isn’t an excuse to neglect your children. 

Sacrificing family might sound super-spiritual, but when a pastor habitually invests himself in ministry at the cost of his wife and children, it can have serious ramifications. Though certain situations may require a season of sacrifice, a pastor’s responsibility to serve his church doesn’t excuse his responsibility to his family—to spend time with and care for them. Scripture has a category for fulfilling family obligations (1 Timothy 5:4), and it instructs parents—including pastors and their wives—to teach their children about the Lord and his ways (see Deuteronomy 6:7 and Proverbs 22:6). 

We can take many practical steps to help our husbands prioritize family. Ask your husband what would serve him best. Maybe it’s a weekly calendar check or a reminder to put away his phone for a while when he first comes home. To encourage family discipleship, maybe you could set the Bible on the table as a reminder at mealtimes or help him schedule one-on-one time with an older child. 

Lie: God will reward my service to him by saving my children. 

Truth: Good works don’t save anyone—only Jesus does. 

It’s so easy to slip into a mindset that thinks that if we serve God wholeheartedly, then he will reward us with well-behaved children who follow Jesus. While Scripture does promise to reward our faithful labors for the Lord (see 1 Corinthians 15:58, Colossians 3:23-24, and 2 Timothy 4:8), we must be careful not to presume on God. Because the Lord is merciful and gracious, he often fills in many of our parenting gaps, but salvation is always a gift of God. Pastors’ children are saved the same way other children are saved, and the same way we are saved: by grace alone, through faith in Jesus, “so that no one may boast,” including Christian parents (Ephesians 2:8). As wives, one of the best ways we can encourage our husbands is by praying together to this end. 

Lie: I’m a pastor, so my children know I love God and his Word. 

Truth: Children need to see consistency at church and home.

Children aren’t usually interested in job descriptions; knowing their father is a pastor isn’t enough to convince them that he loves God and his Word. They are bloodhounds when it comes to sniffing out hypocritical behavior, and they watch whether or not Dad lives out what he preaches. They need to see consistency throughout the week.

Does Dad engage in private devotions and read the Bible at home (Psalm 119)? Is he faithful in prayer (Romans 12:12)? Does he listen patiently and treat his family with gentleness? His children are paying attention, and what they experience at home communicates volumes about their father’s beliefs.

To his child, a pastor is simply Dad. At the most basic level, it’s almost irrelevant whether he is a pastor or a man who does some other work. What matters is the relationship between child and father, and as pastors’ wives, it’s our privilege to encourage and strengthen this relationship by “speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15). This is especially vital today.  People need to see godly fathers who model our heavenly Father, the one who gives “every good gift” (including children) and doesn’t change but is always faithful and trustworthy (James 1:17).

©2024 Katie Faris. Used with permission.