Maintaining a Soft Heart Toward Critical People

In terms of practical ministry help, the advice that has gotten me through the most challenging seasons of pastoral ministry is from John Piper. According to Piper, the key to long-term, faithful ministry is to have thick skin and a soft heart.

The problem, though, is many pastors have thin skin, crushed by every comment and criticism, and therefore, over time, their hearts grow hard toward the people God has called them to shepherd.

To serve joyfully, pastors must grow thick skin.

Thick skin requires the discipline of not taking every single comment to heart. Thick skin knows that not every critique is valid or even worth slowing down to consider.

Ministry is toil (Colossians 1:29). We toil against the great enemies of the soul—the world, the flesh, and the devil. God has not enlisted us for an easy job. It is, of course, discouraging to hear criticism from those outside of the church, but what I find to be the most discouraging is the criticism from those in our own congregations.

We anticipate criticism from those who do not believe. We are not surprised when non-believers say things contrary to our beliefs. We should expect that. But the critiques cut deeper coming from the mouth of brother or sister in Christ. Sometimes, God’s people can discourage us the most.

In light of that, how do we resist the temptation to grow hard in our hearts toward fellow Christians who are especially difficult to pastor?

Here are four points to help our hearts stay S.O.F.T toward especially difficult people.

Serve

When our kids are especially grumpy and bitter toward one another, my wife’s remedy is to have them serve one another. The child must accomplish a specific task or speak a word that serves the other sibling.

It has been a remarkably fruitful form of parenting because, in serving, we lift our eyes off ourselves. As we move our eyes away from us in service, they go up to God and finally land on others. Serving accomplishes the two Great Commandments (Matthew 22:36-40). Our sinful bent is toward the self. The two Great Commandments move us from the self to God and our neighbor. In this case, our neighbor is a difficult congregant. The process is incredibly freeing.

Instead of being a mopey pastor, constantly bemoaning how difficult your call is, repent and begin to serve specifically those who are difficult. After all, Jesus says it is better to give than receive (Acts 20:35).

Offer grace

In Matthew 18, Jesus tells the well-known parable of a servant forgiven a debt of 10,000 talents, the equivalent of 200,000 years of working. The master granted a massive amount of mercy to this man in debt. And yet, instead of extending the same grace and forgiveness toward those indebted to him, this ungrateful servant demanded his fellow servants repay him.

Here’s the lesson: extend to others what God has given you.

However ungrateful, biting, and critiquing a congregant might be toward you as a pastor, you have been even more ungrateful, biting, and critiquing of God. Yet, God never grows hard in his heart toward you. He has cast your sin as far away as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12). It has been his good pleasure to give you the kingdom (Luke 12:32). You’ve been the recipient of great grace. Therefore, offer grace to those who are critical.

Find evidences of grace

The truth is that members of your congregation are members of God’s family. They have professed faith in Christ and have been baptized in his name. You partake in the same sacramental meal together in the Lord’s Supper. These are God’s people. Therefore, you can trust, even for the most difficult of people, that God will finish the work he has started in them (Philippians 1:6).

God is working in his people. His work is likely just one degree of glory at a time (2 Corinthians 3:18), but he is working. Remember whom your people ultimately belong to. Even in the most difficult of God’s people, you can still find evidence of grace.

Look for those graces. And when found, celebrate the grace, not the works of flesh that remain.

We often don’t know the whole story of how far God has already changed a person. We don’t know the full family history, relational dysfunction, or internal struggles of one’s past. Perhaps this critiquing person has already grown measurably more than you currently see.  

Celebrate how far a person has already come by God’s grace instead of how far they still need to go. Don’t expect anyone to be a final product because that person does not exist on this side of eternity.

God is working in his people. That’s a promise. Focus on the evidence of His gracious work, not the remnant of sin that remains.

Trust that God is growing you as well

Yes, leading a church where no one was critical would be easy. You would likely sleep better and have fewer grey hairs and pounds around the waist. But you would also likely be less sanctified. You would likely pray less. You would be less likely to see your own sin. And you would be tempted to trust in your ability as a pastor to lead instead of God’s power to save.

It will take some upside-down gospel thinking, but understand that the most critical member in your congregation is a providential gift from God to help you grow in your sanctification. This does not excuse critical behavior. A critical spirit is a sin that needs to be addressed. But you also need to address your critical spirit of that critical person. Praise God that he has made that clear to you.

God’s people are often bristly sheep, but they are still his sheep. And He has called us to shepherd all He has providentially brought our way. Grow some thick skin. Be mature enough to sift through the barrage of critiques that come our way. More importantly, keep your heart soft toward those whom God has entrusted to your care.

©2023 Jon Saunders. Used with permission.