Pornography and Premarital Counseling: Deal Breaker or Not?

We’ve reached a new place in premarital counseling. Four decades ago, it would have been hard to imagine the types of issues we now need to discuss with couples. While humans have always struggled with sexual temptations, it is easier to give in now than ever before because of the proliferation of sexual content in our culture, in particular on the internet. Our premarital counseling must take this into account. Think of the plethora of sexual issues surrounding us: homosexuality, lesbianism, transgenderism, cross-dressing, and adultery. Are these temptations in the church? You would be naïve to think otherwise.

I only need to tell you one set of statistics for you to realize how rampant the issue of porn is. According to a Psychology Today article, one of the top porn sites reported that the top 4 porn sites have 6 billion visits per month. Yes, you read that correctly. The leading website had 28.5 billion visits in 2017. That’s 81 million a day, 4 million an hour, and 56,000 a minute! These stats do not include the number of hits on videos once inside the website. Viewing porn is a serious moral disease in the world.

In this article, we will explore some biblically informed questions to ask during premarital counseling to determine if the viewing of pornography should be a deal breaker for the engagement. I believe we can use biblical wisdom to ask the right type of questions to gather the right information so we can make a wise, biblically informed decision.

Before considering the types of questions to ask, let’s solidify why you must address this issue.

Why Should We Consider This?

It is important to consider these issues because marriage is about a covenant relationship. Scripture takes seriously sexual sin that “forsakes” the covenant of marriage (see Proverbs 2:17).

People who have filled their minds with pornography have trained their minds to be covenant breakers.

The most blatant manifestation could be adultery or, at a minimum, when they are in bed with their spouse in the future but are rehearsing in their mind images from the past. This is an issue I have dealt with in many men, and I call it the “harem of the mind” (Matthew 5:27-30). `

Marriage will not magically erase these images. In fact, in the passions of the moment with a spouse, they may be stirred up.

Secondly, pornography can lead to abuse of women. I have counseled hundreds of men about these issues and know what they can struggle with. Without going into detail, they have told me the types of images floating around in their minds. Praise the Lord, many no longer desire these things because they are now serious followers of the Lord and have retrained their minds to no longer be captivated (Philippians 4:8).

Therefore, while it may be uncomfortable, we need to ask questions (privately with each individual) that reveal if these are issues. This is loving. You will save the couple a boatload of pain if it is dealt with at this point in their lives rather than festering and bearing fruit years later. While porn has traditionally been a male problem, there has been an increasing awareness that women can be enslaved as well. We all can become enslaved to lusts and pleasures (see Titus 3:3). Therefore, we must ask these questions of both.

In considering this issue, we must be careful not to make carte-blanch statements that viewing porn makes one unfit for marriage because it would also be faithful to Scripture to say that the Christian life is about direction, not perfection. We are all in process (2 Corinthians 3:18), and each of us has particular struggles that need to be sanctified by the Lord. So, how do we nuance this with clear biblical thinking? 

Let’s consider some questions to ask to determine if this should be a deal breaker.

Why This May Be a Deal-Breaker

• Has the individual placed their faith in Christ for the forgiveness of sins? The gospel is not just a message to believe but a Person to follow, so what is the evidence that the individual is a follower of the Lord? If there is no evidence of saving faith, growth, and maturity, the hope for change is absent.
• What is this saying about the individual’s affections/treasures? What are they hoping to get out of viewing porn (Matthew 12:35)? What are they living for? What is their life’s agenda? How entrenched is the person in trying to find satisfaction in pornography? I want to know where the person’s heart is. 
• Does the future spouse want to marry someone with this history? They need to wrestle through this issue, be determined to accept the person for who they are and be willing to help the individual grow in Christ-likeness. One of the statements I like to discuss in marriage counseling is, “I will love you for who you are and in spite of who you are.” This is an attitude that can help and save any marriage. Should they know about the history? Absolutely. A statement I heard a long time ago is, “Marry with your eyes wide open, and then after marriage, keep them half closed!” This does not mean that you overlook patterns of sin in your spouse, but it does mean after marriage, you do need to be gracious with each other’s flaws.
• Are there issues related to self-control? How habitual is masturbation? How long has masturbation been a habit? This habit can hurt a marriage significantly.
• Has there been a track record of not keeping commitments? Has there been cheating in other relationships? (see Proverbs 2 for wisdom concerning a person’s history).
• What type of pornography? I know this is uncomfortable, but you have to ask. Why does this matter? Child porn and homosexual or lesbian porn are at a different level than traditional porn. Why is this true? Child porn is illegal and homosexual porn is telling you about the desires of the person. If the person has a history of looking at lesbian porn, are they also tempted with same-sex attraction? If so, is the future spouse aware? There is also the issue of reporting to authorities if there has been a history of child pornography, so check your local laws. Do images of cross-dressing tempt them? I have had situations where a spouse did not know that there were long-term cross-dressing issues until it eventually was revealed. But it started in the teenage years. It would have saved everyone a lot of heartache if these issues had been revealed and dealt with during premarital counseling.

Wisdom gathers the right kind of information and then discerningly makes decisions based upon those facts (see Proverbs 2:6). By asking the type of questions above, it may be determined that the porn use is a deal breaker or that the engagement needs to be put on hold to allow the person to grow in this area of life to be more ready for marriage.

Why This May Not Be a Deal-Breaker

We can also ask questions that would help us see this is not a deal breaker.

• What is the trajectory of the person’s life? What is the evidence that they have been trying to deal with it? When was the last time they gave in? Proverbs 2 talks about how wisdom helps you discern the track record of the person’s life. If they are moving away from pornography and building a track record of godly pursuits, it may not be a deal breaker.
• Have they exposed this issue to others and asked for help? Have they been honest with others? Ephesians 5:11 says to expose the unfruitful works of darkness. If so, this is a great sign of the trajectory going in the right direction. Remember, Christian growth is not about perfection but direction.
• Have they built safeguards into their lifestyle to make no provision for the flesh (see Romans 13:14)? There are numerous options for software like Covenant Eyes or Accountable2You.

In conclusion, we must remember that the gospel is the good news that Jesus saves a wretch prone to all kinds of sinful diseases. We are all prone to idolatry. We are inclined to enslaving habits. Money, sex, food, entertainment, success, and substances can be captivating. We all have character flaws. We all need grace. Paul was a saved murderer of his future brothers and sisters in Christ (Acts 22:4). Peter was a denier and curser of the Lord (Matthew 26:69-75). Being reminded of this helps me remember that there will never be a perfect spouse.

The hope is that we can change by the power of the gospel. We can reassure the individual or couple that this is not something they need to live with regret for the rest of their lives. We can be redeemed and believe that the Lord nails our sin to the cross (Colossians 2:13-14). Further, He cleans us up so our wants, desires, and behavior change.

The answer then to the question of whether pornography is a deal breaker for marriage is both yes and no. It depends on using biblical wisdom to ask the right questions and decide after getting the answers.

©2023 Ernie Baker. Used with permission.