The Holidays and Family Tensions

Many years ago, I found out about a miracle pill to take during the holidays called Reconcilosec. This miracle drug was promoted through a satirical television commercial that highlighted the proverbial tensions that arise at the annual family get together at Christmas. The miracle pill was secretly hidden in the Christmas cookies and stealthily dropped into Christmas drinks and suddenly hugs and smiles abounded during the family Christmas party. At the end of the commercial there was a long list of side effects that included “sloppy kisses from Aunts and cousins.” The commercial culminated with the whole family gathered for a family picture in front of a beautiful fireplace. They all yelled in unison, “Thank you Reconcilosec!” as the announcer advises you to ask your doctor if Reconcilosec is right for you. You can find this “commercial” on YouTube if you want to get a laugh and prepare for the family get together.

I wish the solution to relational tension was as easy as this pill. At this time of year, the unresolved family conflicts raise their ugly heads. The recent presidential election can cause voice levels and blood pressure to rise as Aunt Susie expresses her unwanted opinion. The reality is that dealing with relational tension properly (that is, biblically) takes a lot of work, especially in your own soul. What is the solution to the family tensions that arise during the holidays?

The goal should not be just to survive the holidays with family but to thrive. I believe this is possible with a Christ-like gospel mindset. The solution is a gospel mindset that results in patience, forgiveness, and tolerance of the weaknesses and obnoxiousness of others. You see, the gospel not only addresses our behaviors toward others but also our attitudes. Let’s start with how the gospel addresses our attitudes.

Attitudes

When we think of “gospel” words we think of words like grace, forgiveness, reconciliation, mercy, and love. These involve actions. You give grace and mercy and work on reconciliation. But these are not just actions. There are attitudes behind these actions. You can have a gracious and merciful attitude and a conciliatory spirit.

In Ephesians 4, Paul has these types of attitudes in mind when he admonishes the church to “walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called” (verse 1). In other words, he is saying you should live consistent with who God says you are. We read about this new identity in verses Ephesians 1:3-8. We are forgiven and given grace we don’t deserve. We are adopted because of Christ and certainly do not deserve that honor. The Lord treated us kindly and gently while our Savior bore the wrath we deserved. How then should we “walk”?

Paul says, “with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace” (Eph 4:2-3). These are not just actions but involve attitudes towards others because of the gospel. What perfect verses for the family holiday gathering!

When we realize how patient the Lord has been with us it should translate into patience with others. If not, we should ask ourselves if we really have absorbed the implications of the gospel. When we realize how much we have been forgiven after being extremely offensive to God, how can we have a bitter attitude and withhold forgiveness? If we are not willing to forgive, we must ask ourselves if the other’s sin against us is greater than our offenses against God (see Matthew 18:32-35).

By the way, it is the opposites of these attitudes that tear relationships apart. If there is harshness and irritability at the annual family gathering instead of gentleness and patience, you know what can happen. If there is intolerance instead of “bearing with one another” it may possibly be a miserable evening for all!

What can you do as you prepare for the holidays with the family? Meditate on the gospel. Read Matthew 27 and think about the crucifixion and what the Lord endured for a wretch like you and let it soften you toward Uncle Harry. You could also spend the days leading up to the event going through The Gospel Primer by Milton Vincent. This small book is designed to keep the gospel in front of you daily from 31 different angles.

Actions

Forgiveness, grace, and mercy are not just attitudes but also imply actions. Colossians 3:13 is clear on what our actions toward Uncle Harry ought to be when he yet again is loud and obnoxious. “Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.”

What is the action you should take? You should make an internal decision to forgive. The Greek word for forgiveness here is to give undeserved favor. It is related to the word “grace.” This is not a feeling, but a decision. You may have to wrestle with your soul to do it, but Paul also gives you motivation for doing so.

Before the verse about forgiving any complaint, we are given a pep talk from Paul. He reminds us that “as God’s chosen ones” we are to forgive. We are declared righteous in Christ, and it is undeserved. We are now adopted into God’s family, and again, it is undeserved. This should motivate us to accept others who are undeserving of grace. We should have a welcoming spirit toward Uncle Harry.

After the command to forgive any complaint, Paul gives further motivation. We are told to “forgive each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” This raises the question of how the Lord forgave us. In chapter two the answer is very clear. “And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses” (Eph 2:13, see also Eph 1:13-14). We were dead in our rebellion and the filthiness of our unsaved condition, but He gave us undeserved favor. There is no emphasis on anything that we do to deserve this. It is all his grace.

This should move us deeply in our internal actions toward Uncle Harry and his obnoxious behavior. Decide to forgive. You can talk to yourself as you feel your neck muscles tightening up and say, “Thank you Lord for how much you have given me undeserved favor. I’m deciding

right now to give grace to Uncle Harry just as you have given me.” Even more, how about doing something kind for Uncle Harry when he is being difficult? This is easier to do when you remember you were obnoxious to God before he saved you.

What Are We to Do?

You don’t need to take a pill. You need a big healthy dose of the gospel. Meditate on it, discipline your mind and emotions to speak truth to yourself, and then live it out at the family gathering. Who knows, maybe Uncle Harry will notice your attitudes and actions.

Even if he doesn’t, it sure will help you and the others there.

For further help on relational issues see my booklet from Shepherd Press titled, Help! I’m in a Conflict.

©2023 Ernie Baker. All rights reserved. Used with permission.